Merry CHRISTmas

December 24, 2012April 27, 2013Leave a comment

Merry Christmas Eve! Have you ever noticed how much more accepted it is to mention God in society today but you mention the name of Jesus and the mood quickly changes? In a book I read written by a celebrity, she kept saying “I pray to the god of my understanding”. That is what is so sad! It’s an accepted new age belief that “god is everything and everything is god”. Society has become so focused on not offending others that, to me, they have nothing to believe in or stand for. I feel that this has caused so many to try so hard to take Christ out of Christmas in so many ways. To me though, the joke is on them because the harder they try the more they are brought back to Jesus. It’s like the old saying that the more you try not to think about something the more you think about it. Christmas is all about the birth of Jesus. The two have become ingrainded over centuries. You can’t think Christmas without thinking about Christ, even if you are trying to leave Him out. I encourage you this Christmas to seek Jesus. If you are unsure or doubting who He is start with More than a Carpenter by Josh McDowell. He was an atheist who set out to prove that Jesus was just a man. “You will seek me and

find me when you seek me with all your heart.” Jeremiah 29:13. Seek Him! He will give you something to believe in, something to stand for…

Also something interesting..Jesus was in a blended family…please read my previous blog post http://blendermom.me/jesus-was-from-a-blended-family a msg I copied from Jeremiah Wright Jr.

Merry Christmas blessings from my family to yours.

TRADITIONS

December 5, 2012April 27, 2013Leave a comment

Christmas is so close it’s freakin scary! If you are like most families (blended or not) finances are tight and this can be a stressful time. If you throw in parenting times over the Holidays and money trouble you have a “Lord help me just make it til New Years” stressful time! In thinking about Christmas in our blender I thought I would share how important I think traditions are and especially in a blended family. The other parents of 2 of our children were on board with dividing time fairly between us and them every other Christmas. We felt that both parents deserved the right to be able to have their child at Christmas. One of them, however felt that they had a right to have their child every Christmas. Unfortunately, we had to go to court and ask a judge for every other Christmas. During the hearing, we were asked what traditions do we have in celebrating. It was sad because we had not as of yet had the chance to really form any because of the “control monster” that had stepped in and limited our Holiday time. (click here for previous post about this monster: http://blendermom.me/the-control-monster ) It got me to thinking though how traditions really help to ground and solidify blended families. It doesn’t have to be big expensive things. It can be as simple as doing an advent candle wreath or read a specific story or watch a specific movie while stringing popcorn. Doing these things give the kids something to look forward to and something they can count on which gives them stability. Some examples for us is that we always decorate a gingerbread house and place it on our dining room table for display. We always go pick out a tree together and we always decorate it as a family. We have special ornaments that each child loves or made and they get to always hang those on the tree first. We have a white column in our dining area that I always wrap red ribbon around and we all call it the candy cane north pole. The key word is “always”. The kids can count on what you are going to do. Even though it seems small that can make them feel more safe and secure, to always be able to count on those traditions. You should also think about more traditions that you can do throughout the year. We always have pizza or fastfood on Friday nights and eat it in front of the TV while watching a movie. We do a devotional reading with the kids and talk about it as a family. ( http://www.amazon.com/dp/1475155050/?ref=cm_sw_r_pi_dp_9E2uqb177D1BM Proverbs For Kids is a great book and what we are currently reading.) We always put the boys to bed at the same time and have them say goodnight prayers every time. What I am saying is traditions do not have to be some complicated ritual! Make Sunday night taco night every week. By the way, the judge did rule in our favor and we now have all three children every other Christmas. We miss them during the off years but that’s what we as parents do, we make sacrifices. Remember, it’s not their fault their parents got divorced. They have just as much right to love and form traditions with the other parent as they do with you. I personally do not ever want my kids to look at me and say “I don’t have a relationship with my father/mother because of you!” If you are dealing with the other parent who really is being mean and spiteful you can look at it as giving them the rope and let them hang themselves if they want to.

Traditions are important in families and what better time to start one is at Christmas! Remember, “Christmas began in the heart of God. It is complete only when it reaches the heart of man.” Try to reach your child’s heart this Christmas.

The Control Monster

November 21, 2012Leave a comment

If you are re-married and have kids from a previous relationship then you have fought the control monster at one time or another! Let’s take a moment for honesty here and say you have fought the control monster and you have also been the control monster! (There! That didn’t hurt so bad, did it?) If you are currently going through a divorce right now and kids are involved then you are either fighting the control monster or being a control monster right now! I had a friend confide in me the other day about some problems they are having while going through a separation. The friend was basically driven out of the house. Whenever they try to see the kids they are magically busy and the ex denies any time with them. Whenever the friend tries to call the children, the ex will not let them talk and starts an argument about other issues. It is so bad that the children have tried to sneak calls to the friend while at neighbors houses! I would go into more detail but am afraid that I will infringe on privacy, but you get the picture. Clearly that friend’s ex has become the control monster! Another friend of mine has been fighting his ex for a few years now. He is only allowed to his children very little and the children are being brainwashed by the mom against him all in the name of control!

Right after my ex left he decided that what we had agreed on was not good enough. He started talking to others and decided that we were going to trade off our son every seven days. He was still in pull ups and just over a year and half old! I felt like that would be way too difficult for him at such a young age. I told him that he could spend as much time with him during the week that he wanted but that it would be best for him to sleep in the same bed he had slept in since birth as much as possible. My ex took him and withheld him from me for 5 days. He would not let me see him or talk to him (I would typically call and sing nursery rhymes and songs to him over the phone even though he was so young. I just wanted him to hear my voice so he would know I had not left him.) Anyway, the ex also enrolled him in another daycare as well. Those were the longest five days of my life! I was forced to get an emergency court order granting me custody until our case could be heard. I remember it was Saturday when he was withheld and it was Wednesday afternoon when I got him back. When I showed up to pick him up, he jumped out the door. I scooped him up in my arms and he wrapped his chubby little arms around me and kept patting my back saying mama over and over. He literally would not let me put him down for two hours! It was like he was afraid I would leave him and not come back again. When we got to court instead of hanging my ex out to dry before a judge I decided to settle. I ended up giving him 4 nights every other weekend instead of the standard two. I decided it was best for my son to not have his parents in an all out war! I felt that revenge and hurting my ex was far less important than what was best for my son. That’s just one example of fighting the control monster.

There were also times when I was the control monster. I had my daughter’s time decreased with her father when she started school but for the longest time I would not deviate from our court order. I would not give extra time because I wanted to stay in control. Now she is old enough to say when she wants to go and so we listen to her, both of us. We work hard to communicate with each other on what’s going on with her and if she says she needs time with the other parent, we now work hard to make that happen.

So, why does the control monster come in and take over in some form or another in most cases? I think the number one reason is the ex wants to hit you where it hurts! They don’t want you to be happy or move on with someone else. If they feel they “hold the cards” then they can do whatever they want and what they want is to hurt you but what they don’t realize is they hurt those children FAR more than they hurt you! In a game of tug of war the rope in the middle is able to withstand the tugging. But if you were to tug on it constantly back and forth over a long period of time the tugged part of the rope becomes weaker, frayed and worn out. Your children are that part of the rope! They will become frayed, weak and eventually broken! If you are in this situation and the monster is trying to take over, stop and ask yourself is this the best thing for my child? Or is this just a way I can get back at the ex? Pray for wisdom to see through to the heart of the situation. Pray for peace and wisdom in this very difficult situation and then let God take care of it and give any revenge to them if needed.

Matthew 5:9 “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God.”

2 Corinthians 13:11 “Finally, brothers and sisters, rejoice! Strive for full restoration, encourage one another, be of one mind, live in peace. And the God of love and peace will be with you.”

The grass really isn’t always greener!

October 29, 2012April 27, 2013Leave a comment

It’s fall and it’s beautiful out there! We are fortunate enough to live fairly close to beautiful fall color so we took the kids to a state park for a picnic and hiking for the day recently. In today’s world, on today’s income, money is very tight so we have always tried to do day trips and things that are low cost or my personal favorite, free. The kids love it. When I was first divorced and when we first got married, it would really bother me because the other parent would buy so much and take the kids on expensive trips. (Ouch! I know I just hit a nerve!) Yes admit it! You have probably even been more than bothered, you may have even been a little jealous of some of the things the ex was doing and buying! (Ouch! I said jealous, haha!) After my little “moments”, however I would realize there is not a thing I could do about it other than be the best parent I could be. I would think of ideas that I or we could do with the kids to make memories. When I was a single mom with my two kids, I took my kids in the middle of February to the beach for the night. During the winter, alot of hotels offer very low rates at the beach so I was able to get a room with a queen bed and bunk beds as well as an indoor pool! At the time teen was 8 and lil man was 3. They were in awe! I took them swimming that evening and to the aquarium the next day before going home. Do you know my kids to this day still talk about that trip! Another time the same year my husband and I were married we took the kids about 4 hours away to a theme park and stayed for one night. I had gotten discounts on the room and the tickets. My husband was just starting college and we again did not have much money but wanted to do something fun before school started back. We had an amazing time, the five of us! All the kids, again to this day, still talk about it and beg to go back. Between my single mom days up until now, a couple of our kids have been given costly gifts and taken on expensive trips with the other parent, but here is something that surprised me…..they never really talked about it that much, or seemed to be as impressed as I thought they would be! They talk more about the little things that we have done than anything else. So here is the absolute best advice I could ever give from one blendermom to another: If you really want to impress your kids give them your TIME. I know you have heard that before but I can’t emphasize enough just how true it is. When you find yourself focusing on what the other parent or ex is doing, spending, etc….stop right there and start thinking about what you can do to give of yourself, your time to your kids. It’s not about what the other parent is doing or buying its about you loving the kids and making memories. We have watched the movie “Flubber” and then made flubber. We made pudding art with painting chocolate pudding all over waxed paper. We have got the kids up to watch a meteor shower or see a gigantic full moon rising while singing the moon song. We have been to countless parks and tried new walking trails. We have turned off all the lights, especially in the summer evenings, opened all the blinds, and watched a lightening storm. We have on numerous occasions when the weather was bad, gone to a local bookstore and had coffee (for us) and hot chocolate. Then the kids would each get a new book and we would come home and read them to the kids. The list goes on and on but you get the idea. It doesn’t have to be expensive. It doesn’t have to be grand. Whenever you think the grass is greener, that’s when you need to water your own. For other ideas, read my blog http://blendermom.me/153194395.  I would love to get comments and messages on what you have done to water your own grass and make memories. info@blendermom.me

Blended Families ..becoming the new norm

October 17, 2012Leave a comment

The numbers are very surprising but it seems that blended families are becoming the new norm these days and rates are on the rise. If that is true then why isn’t there more help and guidance for us blendermoms. Yes there are some books and things but this is the very reason that prompted me to start this blog and share my life. The bottom line is blended families have less chance of making it and being successful because they are blended. This breaks my heart! The children involved have had their world torn apart and have had to deal with more than they should ever have to deal with in their young lives already. We owe it to them to do every thing we possibly can to be strong and stable for them. My blog is about being in a blender but as you’ve noticed I have talked alot about marriage. That is because if your marriage is not strong it will not last and the children will once again pay. My husband had a boy tell him one day that he would be able to build stairs to the sky with all the step fathers he had. His mom was on her third marriage and it was on the rocks at the time and he was feeling scared and anxious. Let me state clearly and concisely it was not one of our boys but it could be if my husband and I haven’t made our marriage and each other a priority. One of the major difficulties in blenders is the issue of discipline. You have to talk about it and decide first how you want to discipline the kids. Like I have said before we sat down and came up with house rules for our children and what the consequences would be. I have never felt comfortable with spanking my bonus son so I don’t do it. My husband is the main disciplinarian for his son and I am his supporter. My husband’s role is the same for me and my children. That works for us really well. Let’s have a very “get really real” moment, shall we? There is a big potential for a step parent to be harder on the step child than their own bioligical children! Yes I said it! I didn’t say every step parent but I think the potential is greater there because there isn’t an emotional bond there as strong especially at the beginning. The bond comes as your family grows closer in love and grows in stability. I feel personally that just supporting the bio parent as they try to discipline their child is a win win situation. It makes the two of you act as one, strong for each other and it cuts down on resentment from the child. This is a video of a Dr. Phil interview on the Early Show. He gives some very good guidelines for blended families. It’s basic and straight forward. Let me state I am not being paid by Dr. Phil or The Early Show for placing this video on my blog. (But boy wouldn’t it be nice haha)

Abuse is Abuse

October 5, 2012May 20, 20132 Comments

I want to talk about verbal/emotional abuse. I didn’t know what it was at first. I thought that I was just becoming too sensitive and could not handle my self the way I should or maybe I wasn’t smart enough to say and do the right things as his wife. I thought that I was going crazy because I would scream and cry when I was alone because if I did it in front of him or tried to defend myself his anger would become so much worse. Let me state this clearly that he never ever hit me or laid a hand on me. It was always implied however. That was what tortured me the most was always this unspoken threat of what might would happen if he became even more angry and it terrified me. When he would get angry he would (what I call) rage at me for hours. Going on and on about what I had done wrong, twisting and turning it making me wish I was smarter or could have known how to say or do whatever it was I had not done right. I remember one night he was angry at something I don’t recall what it was. He had been raging and angry for a couple hours and I was exhausted. I was exhausted from defending myself and the long day and needed to go to work the next morning. I turned the light off and told him lets just try to calm down and go to bed. I got into bed and he flipped the light on in my face and said he was not finished. He then said he would finish after he took a shower. While he was in the shower I went and made a bed on the floor of the baby’s room thinking he would leave me alone and let me sleep if I was in there. I drifted off and then I felt eyes on me and breathing. When I opened my eyes he was inches from my face. It scared me to death. He coldly whispered that he was not finished with me and if I wouldn’t come back into our room he would drag me back in there. I started whispering/begging to let me sleep and finish it the next day but he grabbed the corners of the blanket and proceeded to drag me. He got about half way and I heard the baby stir. I did not want the little one to wake up! So I got up, head hanging and followed him back into the room. I don’t remember what happened after that. I just remember the deep broken bruised spirit as I walked out of that room. I didn’t know it was abuse becaue I didn’t have physical proof but I later realized it for what it truly was. Victims of abuse have a very deep need to be validated! They want people to see that they are not this horrible person the abuser wants you to think you are and terrified that just that is the way the world will view them and even more terrified that the world will see the abuser as the victim! You have to realize, though, that abuse is abuse no matter what form. It is about one controlling the other. I posted the video of a clip from the end of the movie “Labyrinth”. I actually love the movie but this is a very good example of what emotional and verbal abuse looks like. If you watch the clip you notice that the king originally plays the victim makes her feel like she is ungrateful for all he’s done even though the things he’s done have actually been against her. But next is the big part of the contradiction of abuse. He says to let him rule her. He says to do as he says and he will be her slave. That can not happen it is the opposite. You can not have both because one will always be in control and dominate the other. Also and this is the really important part especially when comparing it to spousal abuse is how he says to fear him and love him! Please please think about this verse! 1 John 4:18 NIV “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.” You can’t have fear of that person and recieve love! It is not what real love is. Real love is what I talked about in previous post. It is real caring and real respect. God wants you to feel His love! He does not want you to be treated this way. If you have any questions or need advice please email me and I, with God’s help, will do my best! info@blendermom.me

Priorities, respect, and the marriage wheel of bliss-Part 2

September 21, 2012April 27, 20131 Comment

In my last post I talked about putting God 1st. Today I’m thinking about priority #2, your husband and your marriage. In Ephesians 5:22 NLT it says ” For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord” and in verse 25 it says “For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her”. I know most of you have heard these verses numerous times and most of you don’t really like them. You may think that to submit means to bow down and be a door mat. I don’t think that’s what it says at all! I think to submit means to respect, honor, and support. Have you ever noticed that it’s easy for women to love freely? In fact, it’s that love that some times gets us hurt because we do tend to fall in love with all our heart. However, have you noticed how absolutely hard it is as a woman to respect and show honor to our men. It feels almost like we are showing weakness. Now, have you noticed that it is easier for men to show respect and honor to those they value and care for but yet not very easy for a man to love selflessly? To them it may feel like weakness or vulnerability. I trully feel like that is why Jesus commanded husbands and wives the way he did in the bible. Jesus showed his love for the church by serving and loving unconditionally. He ultimately gave his own life because of that love. He commands husbands to love their wives with that kind of love. He didn’t need to command them to respect and honor because that was something that comes more easily as a man. Jesus commanded wives to respect/honor/support their husbands because there was no need to command them to love selflessly because that comes easier for us! So now get your boots on cause we are going to dig deep now and talk about respecting our husbands!

Emeron Eggerich, author of the book, Love and Respect (which is a great book btw), says “Women need Love. Men need Respect. It’s as simple and compicated as that!”

I have learned the hard way by making mistakes in my previous marriages that love and respect go hand in hand like the pic above shows. It’s like a cycle or wheel. Love feeds respect feeds love and your wheel is turning and moving forward. Ego, to feel he is successful, great, needed is a very deep need in a man’s life. The nesting instinct, to make a place for her to belong and be herself and loved unconditionally is a very deep need in a woman’s life. Respecting, honoring, and supporting your husband feeds this need in him. My husband, when I met him, was beat down to an all time low. He was trying to start over but so far was floundering, hurt, and confused. I started supporting him and telling him that he was a good man, that he was strong and smart and capable. He went back to school. It was hard and we had to sacrifice but I knew that in order for our marriage to work, he had to feel like he could succeed. He had to feel good about himself and feel that he could provide for us. The more he provided for us and felt more confident about who he was, the deeper his love grew for me and it showed because I helped him get there. I helped him be better. The deeper his love shown for me, the stronger I felt that he was the greatest man in the world. He would tell me (and still does all the time) how wonderful I am, how much he loves me and how beautiful I am. Ladies, he tells me I’m beautiful even on the days I felt dirt was more beautiful. I feel more and more safe and loved not matter what. Do you see the wheel turning moving moving forward as one feeds the other? That is the marriage wheel of bliss and when that is turning in the right direction, your marriage is going in the right direction. Jesus knew exactly what the heart of the matter was when He talked about wives and husbands. You make your husband a priority by respecting and supporting him. You make your marriage a priority by working on keeping your marriage wheel of bliss turning in the right direction. In the blender, that is more important because statistics show that subsequent marriages are much more likely to fail than the first. Making your marriage a priority makes you stronger for your kids.

In my next blog I am going to talk about abuse and how love and respect are NOT a part of that! The above only works if you are married to a good person!

Priorities, respect, and the marriage wheel of bliss- Priority 1

September 15, 2012April 27, 2013Leave a comment

I think priorities in life are very important. They help keep you in your lane in this race of life. They help keep you focused and running in the right direction. I feel that priorities are that much more important in the blender because of the different dynamics already going on in the mix. I think family priorities should be:

1. God

2. Spouse/marriage

3. Kids

4. Work/friends/anything else you want to fill in the blank

Today, lets focus on priority #1. I strongly feel that as a Christian, God should be your first priority. It can be very hard to do this, I know. You have the husband, the kids, the job that demand every thing from you, so how can we possibly put God first? Well, actually, I think it is more simple than you think. Psalm 119:15 “I meditate on your precepts and consider your ways.” As a christian I believe you have the Holy Spirit living inside of you. (1 Cor 3:16 NLT says the Holy Spirit, whom you received from God, lives in you.) That tells me to really listen to that voice inside of me that’s telling me whether this feels right or not. You have heard the expression “go with your gut”. Well I feel that God through the Holy Spirit is my gut. Yep, sounds a little weird but think about it…it makes sense! Another very easy way besides listening to the Spirit in your heart is to memorize scripture and repeat it to yourself during those difficult times. I struggle with anxiety and have since I was in high school. Some times I feel I have victory over it and some times it rears its very nasty horrible ugly head! During these times I have found that if I repeat some verses that mean a lot to me, it helps me to get through that anxious moment. (this for me is meditating on His word) One of my favorite verses is Joshua 1:9 “This is my command—be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” (If you really want to have a good time, read Joshua 1:7-9!) Another thing that will help put God first is PRAYER! When I first wake up in the morning before my feet hit the floor, I say a prayer. It isn’t a long drawn out thing, just a quick prayer for me to get my day started, to pray for mine, my husband’s, and my children’s day. If you read in Luke 18 about the Pharisees you will find that although they were very well respected in society, they were also very self righteous and viewed themselves better and more “spiritual” than every one else. To put God first in your life does not mean for you to be a Pharisee (just practicing religion). It is not about showing up every time the church doors are open, praying the loudest, or knowing the most scripture. It is about meeting God right where you are in your little corner of the world. Keeping Him in the forefront of your mind and letting him quietly lead you in your heart. It’s living up to the potential he created you to be. (for more of that refer to my previous post “Great Expectations”) Everything else will follow according to His path if you just start where you are…. Next post is about Priority 2 (marriage) Yikes!

Great Expectations

September 5, 2012Leave a comment

Some times I struggle. Haha I bet you’re thinking duh, we all struggle. That is true, we all do. However, let me explain further. I’m not talking about being a blender mom. Yes, that has its set of struggles but I’m talking about being a mom, being a wife, being a Christian woman, that is where I struggle too. Where is my place in this world? What is my true idenity? What is God’s purpose for me in this life? I know you have often asked those questions to yourself like I have. Here are some things to think about when you find yourself wrestling with this issue as we all will at times. First, God gave you everything you need to be great when He made you!! Read Psalm 139, the entire chapter declares this. Then read 139:13-16 You were made complex and awesome! Do not underestimate this! Next, is a verse that I heard taught about in a message by Diane Wilson. Look up Genesis 1:27&31 of the amplified Bible. Take hold of those words in vs 31 “and He approved it completely”. You were approved of completely when you were made! I was made to think by a marriage in the past that I was somehow made wrong. I could not say the right things and do the right things without provoking rage. I became broken in my soul. I was told day in and day out that I was not smart or capable. I was slowly taught to not trust myself and in turn to not trust the Holy Spirit living in my heart. I came across Psalm 139 one day. I had heard it before but never really took it in. God reminded me that day that He does not make mistakes and He did not make a mistake when he made me. Study His word and know that he made you with a purpose in mind, so expect more of yourself than what other people in your life that may be trying to drag you down make you think you are not capable of doing. Expect more from God too, the One who made you! God’s plan for you is not some great difficult trial. It is as simple as taking what you love and are good at and using it for Him. I love being a mom and creating a home and memories for my children are very important to me. I feel it is my purpose in life to raise these children that God has given me to love Him in a powerful way. It is to help them realize that He made them complex and awesome too. Guess what? It is those simple desires that God created in me that I feel He wants to use. When you are looking for your purpose in life, start simple, right where you are. What are some things that you love to do or feel you are good at? Then ask yourself how could you use that for His glory?

“Trusting God completely means having faith that He knows what is best for your life. You expect Him to keep His promises, help you with problems, and do the impossible when necessary.”
― Rick Warren, The Purpose Driven Life: What on Earth am I Here for?

Jesus was from a blended family.

August 21, 2012April 27, 20131 Comment

Sermon from 1995 by Jeremiah Wright Jr on blended families:

A Home Where God is Honored

I submit to you that not only does God have a lot to say on this subject of blended families, but that among the first things God says is, “Yes, I understand because my Son was part of such a family. I have a whole lot to say about such families. Look at the home where I placed my Son, and hear what to say to the church about blended families.” The home where God placed his Son was a blended family: Jesus had four brothers and several sisters (Matthew 13:55-56). God was Jesus’ Father; Joseph was the stepfather. “The home where I placed my Son,” says God, “is a home where I was honored.” In a home where God is in control — I don’t care what the configuration of your blended family — I’ve got some good news for you. If you listen to the voice of God and not to what the people say, you’ll be all right. In a home where God is in control, if you worship at the house of God like the Lord’s parents did every time they had an opportunity, if you model and teach the will of God so your children and your stepchildren can talk with their teachers about important issues of life, then you won’t have anything to worry about. Everything will be found and kept in divine order because God will take care of you.