Small Words Big Meaning

March 6, 2013April 27, 2013Leave a comment

Have you ever noticed how the smallest words seem to have the biggest meaning? Words such as “love”, “care”, “hate”, “hurt”, and “kind”. God has shown me in the last 5 years just how much those words can impact your life! As a pastor’s kid, growing up, we would go from church to church helping rebuild them and a lot of the churches were filled with “hurt” and “hate” from the division they had already gone through. At one point, we had moved to Florida when I was in the 5th grade. The church members were very loving but it was still difficult being away from our home state. I don’t remember a lot about school during that time, but I would come to remember a girl named April very well. April sat next to me and she was different from the rest of the students. She dressed a little differently and wore her hair in braids which some thought was not really in style at the time. She had very thick glasses that made her eyes look very large and later I learned that she was legally blind. I didn’t talk to her very much but I would some times chat with her while waiting for class to start. We would exchange paper or a pencil if needed and that was about the extent of it. After living there for six months we left Florida and went back to my home state. In 2008 I received an email on a social website from April. “Hi we were together for a while in 5th grade. I am the one with the deformed eyes but you were nice to me anyway.” “Nice”. I was so humbled in that moment by that word! I had to wonder that in the small interactions I had with her for her to say that I was nice, just how very hard it must have been for her growing up! Kids can be so cruel. (In blended families teaching your children to be “nice” and “kind” is especially important. When you are not all related by blood and with all the difficult issues that come with it, being kind to one another can make an enormous impact.) April and I exchanged a few more emails. I shared with her my desire to tell women about my past, the abuse, and what God had done for me. She replied : “Many women have been beaten down by society’s unrealistic expectations reguarding sexual beauty and the ability to do it all: work full time, raise kids, look sexy everynight for the hubby. Also too many women have been in domestic violence situations and too many women have been sexually abused. It’s my hope that God opens up an opportunity to witness to those who have been abused. I just prayed for you.” Now there is a small word with big meaning: “Pray”. When we pray, things happen. In any situation that you feel there is not a thing you can do, you can pray. “Positive praying is much more powerful than positive thinking. People may resist our help, spurn our appeals, and reject our suggestions, but they are powerless against our prayers.” ~Rick Warren, Daily Hope. When you have been told by someone you love that you’re a failure, pray! When you are worried about how the bills are going to get paid, pray! When your marriage is in trouble, pray! When you are caught in the middle between stepchildren, children, your spouse and the other parent, pray! When you don’t know what to do, always pray! “I just prayed for you.” It was as if right in the middle of everything she stopped to pray for me. That was the last email I ever got from her. I sent a few more with no response so I made some inquiries and received a msg from her best friend Betty telling me that April had been battling cancer and on Sept 23, 2009 she had gone to be with the Lord. “Thank” is another word, isn’t it? I never got to really thank her for what her prayers and encouragement meant to me. Don’t forget to thank those who mean so much to you and most importantly don’t forget to thank God for the work he is doing in your life. And last, another small word is “do”. Get up and “do”. You only get one chance in this one life to do all you can do! Don’t wait to thank someone, pray for them, or show kindness to others, especially your blended family. God hand picked them from other families and situations, no matter the circumstances, and blended them into your family for a reason. It is not by accident but Divine purpose that you are in that family so don’t underestimate that. Thank you so much April for showing me that even the smallest things can have the biggest impact!

Forgiveness

February 21, 2013Leave a comment

This was my very first post on this blog back in June 2012. It was on my heart today and I felt it needed to be re-written and re-posted. Thanks so much to all my readers and comments. It has meant so much to me!

My 2nd marriage lasted just over 2 years. We were having problems, particularly spiritual issues.
I begged him to get pastoral counseling with me but he didn’t(and still doesn’t) think counseling is scriptural. We were still managing to stay together, however, in spite of our problems until we were told by a family member that our pastor at the time was talking about me behind my back. He said that my husband had a “tiger by the tail when he married me”. I was hurt and totally offended. I wanted my husband to defend me and be upset with me but he seemed to defend the pastor. We called the pastor immediately but he would not return our calls for a week and finally he did call. He apoligized, but tried to justify that what he meant was I wear the pants in the family by that statement. (Was that really supposed to make me feel better?) He honestly didn’t know the workings of our marriage and had not right to give his opinion to others. I was still very hurt and offended but tried to make peace with the situation. My marriage after that was never the same and 5 months later we were separated. I felt that my husband didn’t go to bat for me and placed the pastor as more important, so to speak. Why am I writing this today? I think that the dynamics of a successful blended family are somewhat different then other marriages. It is very hard to put your marriage first above your children, especially when half is your own flesh and blood but not the other half but it is all the more important that you do! You have to learn and practice loving your spouse more. Do not misinterpret what I’m saying. This does not mean your blended children get less love and “sloppy seconds”. It just means your marriage to your spouse takes higher priority. Think about it: the stronger and together your marriage is the stronger you are able to be FOR your children. If you and him are divided then it filters down to the children and does not help them in any way feel safe in this blended family. They have already been through the horrors of divorce and you can bet that they are very scared that they will have to go through another! Being strong together shows them what a healthy relationship is and gives them comfort that everything is going to be ok.

This brings me to the above example of my second marriage and the topic of forgiveness. As I sat down for my quiet time with God this morning it felt that God was saying I need to forgive. Now obviously we need to work on forgiving our ex’s, but I’m talking about forgiving that pastor. You see, all these years, I have blamed him for the downfall of my second marriage. Matthew 11:6 KJV says “Blessed are those who are not easily offended”. Another verse and a favorite is Eph 4:31-32 “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice.” So in thinking about your precious blended family today, think about forgiveness. Is there a person (other than the ex) that you feel played a role in the downfall of your marriage or relationship? Open your heart up to forgiveness and letting that go. I promise it will lighten the load and make you feel more refreshed and able to give your focus and energy to your family who deserve it way more than that person who offended you!

Does God want me to stay in an abusive/controlling marriage?

January 31, 2013April 27, 201313 Comments

I fought for three years to stay in an abusive marriage. I thought that God wanted me to stay and that it was best to not break up my family for my child’s sake. My reasoning was that he never hit me so maybe this is all in my mind anyway, right? I mean every cruel condescending word that felt like a blow to my soul and hiding in the bathroom praying that God would calm him down because I didn’t know what was coming next wasn’t abuse, right? The answer is YES! You are being emotionally and verbally abused. We all can technically be abusive from time to time but what defines the relationship as abusive is that it is a pattern of abusive behaviour used over and over again. Alot of christians feel that the bible doesn’t really talk about abuse but I think it does. Do I think God wants you to stay in an abusive marriage? I believe NO He does not! However I do believe that the decision is not to be taken lightly! God doesn’t like divorce but he doesn’t like abuse either. When trying to decide you should take steps first on empowering yourself on the inside by really working on your personal faith and relationship with Him. He has His timing on everything and letting Him lead your steps will bring more peace to you even along this hard road that you are on. I have included some excerts from a blog that really clarifies what the bible has to say about abuse. If you have time please click on the link and read the entire post.

Here is an excert from an article written by Danni Moss in which I think she explained very clearly:

“Jesus stated the purpose of His coming in Luke 4: 18,19.

“The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because he hath anointed me to preach the gospel to the poor; he hath sent me to heal the brokenhearted, to preach deliverance to the captives, and recovering of sight to the blind, to set at liberty them that are bruised, To preach the acceptable year of the Lord.”

Jesus came for the purpose of healing the brokenhearted, delivering captives, and liberating those who are bruised. That perfectly describes the condition of someone who is being abused in their marriage. Jesus came to rescue people from abusive relationships!”

She goes on to say:

“Nowhere in the Word is there a place where God applauds or supports abuse. In fact, abuse is inherently opposite to God’s nature. If believers are made new creatures in Christ and partakers in His nature, how can we possible justify or excuse abusive behavior by someone bearing the name “Christian?” If we assume an abusive spouse is not a believer (which may, in fact, be supportable by Scripture) is a Christian abused partner expected by God to remain in that abusive relationship? The answer is still no. A Christian does not enable another person to continue in sin. By remaining in an abusive marriage, a Christian sends the message that the abusive behavior is acceptable – and affirms the abusers sin.” (This is the link to the complete article http://dannimoss.wordpress.com/articles/abuse-in-the-christian-home/does-god-… )

Please read the entire article because it is very good stuff and goes on to explain further steps to take as a christian in that type of situation. Seek counseling from a pastor or professional for yourself. If you are in an abusive situation the chances are your partner does not want you talking about your marital problems but it helped me realize my own God given strength. If you can get your partner to go then go together, but be careful that you choose someone that has worked in abusive situations because the dynamics of this kind of relationship are very differenct than just a normal troubled marriage! Take steps to try to make your marriage work if there is no physical threat to you or your children. If you leave, you want that to be the last resort and you will need the peace of mind that you did all that you could to stay. I love Isaiah 53:5 NIV “But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed.” Jesus died for you to have peace and healing. He wants that for you and your family. When you are trying to make the hard decisions, hold onto that. With every decision, ask yourself if that decision will bring peace and healing.

Love Him/Love Him Not

January 17, 2013April 27, 20131 Comment

Today’s topic is about how we love our husbands. It pertains to normal relationships. This does not apply to abusive or cheating men.

My husband is a very good man. He is good to me and very importantly, he is good to my kids. He is my best friend (we love being together). He is my lover. (woot woot!!) Now, if you are reading this, you are probably thinking about your husband in comparison and how he is or is not like my husband, or if single, thinking how you wish you had someone like him or how your ex was certainly NOT like him! However, what you probably did not think about is the kind of wife you are or were and how that has shaped the kind of husband you have or want. It is only natural to look away from ourselves to the outside influences especially if we are not in the best place in our relationship. We tend to not stop and say to ourselves “how did I contribute to us getting to this point?” No, if you are unhappy in your relationship you tend to use alot of finger pointing the other way. I know that I am so guilty of this, especially in previous relationships. How often do we women fall into a pattern of thinking how he does not do this or does not do that or does not say this etc… We become so obsessed with standards that he is not living up to that we discount our own behaviour. Don’t get me wrong, it takes both of you to make or break a relationship, but let’s face it ladies, the only thing you can change in this thing is yourself! I see alot on social media, the ladies posting actors, musicians, etc… pics talking about how gorgeous that man is or talking about the latest “colorful” book they have read that is nothing short of soft porn and all the while they are married. I can’t help but feel how utterly disrespectful that is to your man. What is sad is that I see it coming from the ladies way more than I see it coming from the men. I think that if your man turned around and did the same thing you would be so angry with him and upset. I think that you would feel inadequate and unattractive. My husband takes care of himself and likes to be healthy by working out. In a previous relationship, my husband’s ex would see body builders on TV and say things like “why can’t you look like that”. Now I don’t know if she said it often or only once or twice but it tore him down and has affected him more than I can put into words. One of my ex’s loved to look at women. Every where we would go he would comment on some woman. I always felt that he was looking at every woman in the room but me no matter how hard I tried to look good and it cut deep and hurt me deep in my spirit. It taught me that I do not ever want to treat the one that I love in that way!! I don’t ever want my husband to feel the way I felt!

In today’s blended family marriage is the upmost importance but can also be very fragile! You have so much working against you but it is so important to be strong and together for your kids so that they don’t have to go through yet another divorce. Stop and think right now about how you have been loving your husband and think about how you have not. Ask God to show you how to love your husband the way He wants you to love him.

Song of Solomon 8:6
Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm; for love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame. (NIV)

Merry CHRISTmas

December 24, 2012April 27, 2013Leave a comment

Merry Christmas Eve! Have you ever noticed how much more accepted it is to mention God in society today but you mention the name of Jesus and the mood quickly changes? In a book I read written by a celebrity, she kept saying “I pray to the god of my understanding”. That is what is so sad! It’s an accepted new age belief that “god is everything and everything is god”. Society has become so focused on not offending others that, to me, they have nothing to believe in or stand for. I feel that this has caused so many to try so hard to take Christ out of Christmas in so many ways. To me though, the joke is on them because the harder they try the more they are brought back to Jesus. It’s like the old saying that the more you try not to think about something the more you think about it. Christmas is all about the birth of Jesus. The two have become ingrainded over centuries. You can’t think Christmas without thinking about Christ, even if you are trying to leave Him out. I encourage you this Christmas to seek Jesus. If you are unsure or doubting who He is start with More than a Carpenter by Josh McDowell. He was an atheist who set out to prove that Jesus was just a man. “You will seek me and

find me when you seek me with all your heart.” Jeremiah 29:13. Seek Him! He will give you something to believe in, something to stand for…

Also something interesting..Jesus was in a blended family…please read my previous blog post http://blendermom.me/jesus-was-from-a-blended-family a msg I copied from Jeremiah Wright Jr.

Merry Christmas blessings from my family to yours.

TRADITIONS

December 5, 2012April 27, 2013Leave a comment

Christmas is so close it’s freakin scary! If you are like most families (blended or not) finances are tight and this can be a stressful time. If you throw in parenting times over the Holidays and money trouble you have a “Lord help me just make it til New Years” stressful time! In thinking about Christmas in our blender I thought I would share how important I think traditions are and especially in a blended family. The other parents of 2 of our children were on board with dividing time fairly between us and them every other Christmas. We felt that both parents deserved the right to be able to have their child at Christmas. One of them, however felt that they had a right to have their child every Christmas. Unfortunately, we had to go to court and ask a judge for every other Christmas. During the hearing, we were asked what traditions do we have in celebrating. It was sad because we had not as of yet had the chance to really form any because of the “control monster” that had stepped in and limited our Holiday time. (click here for previous post about this monster: http://blendermom.me/the-control-monster ) It got me to thinking though how traditions really help to ground and solidify blended families. It doesn’t have to be big expensive things. It can be as simple as doing an advent candle wreath or read a specific story or watch a specific movie while stringing popcorn. Doing these things give the kids something to look forward to and something they can count on which gives them stability. Some examples for us is that we always decorate a gingerbread house and place it on our dining room table for display. We always go pick out a tree together and we always decorate it as a family. We have special ornaments that each child loves or made and they get to always hang those on the tree first. We have a white column in our dining area that I always wrap red ribbon around and we all call it the candy cane north pole. The key word is “always”. The kids can count on what you are going to do. Even though it seems small that can make them feel more safe and secure, to always be able to count on those traditions. You should also think about more traditions that you can do throughout the year. We always have pizza or fastfood on Friday nights and eat it in front of the TV while watching a movie. We do a devotional reading with the kids and talk about it as a family. ( http://www.amazon.com/dp/1475155050/?ref=cm_sw_r_pi_dp_9E2uqb177D1BM Proverbs For Kids is a great book and what we are currently reading.) We always put the boys to bed at the same time and have them say goodnight prayers every time. What I am saying is traditions do not have to be some complicated ritual! Make Sunday night taco night every week. By the way, the judge did rule in our favor and we now have all three children every other Christmas. We miss them during the off years but that’s what we as parents do, we make sacrifices. Remember, it’s not their fault their parents got divorced. They have just as much right to love and form traditions with the other parent as they do with you. I personally do not ever want my kids to look at me and say “I don’t have a relationship with my father/mother because of you!” If you are dealing with the other parent who really is being mean and spiteful you can look at it as giving them the rope and let them hang themselves if they want to.

Traditions are important in families and what better time to start one is at Christmas! Remember, “Christmas began in the heart of God. It is complete only when it reaches the heart of man.” Try to reach your child’s heart this Christmas.

The Control Monster

November 21, 2012Leave a comment

If you are re-married and have kids from a previous relationship then you have fought the control monster at one time or another! Let’s take a moment for honesty here and say you have fought the control monster and you have also been the control monster! (There! That didn’t hurt so bad, did it?) If you are currently going through a divorce right now and kids are involved then you are either fighting the control monster or being a control monster right now! I had a friend confide in me the other day about some problems they are having while going through a separation. The friend was basically driven out of the house. Whenever they try to see the kids they are magically busy and the ex denies any time with them. Whenever the friend tries to call the children, the ex will not let them talk and starts an argument about other issues. It is so bad that the children have tried to sneak calls to the friend while at neighbors houses! I would go into more detail but am afraid that I will infringe on privacy, but you get the picture. Clearly that friend’s ex has become the control monster! Another friend of mine has been fighting his ex for a few years now. He is only allowed to his children very little and the children are being brainwashed by the mom against him all in the name of control!

Right after my ex left he decided that what we had agreed on was not good enough. He started talking to others and decided that we were going to trade off our son every seven days. He was still in pull ups and just over a year and half old! I felt like that would be way too difficult for him at such a young age. I told him that he could spend as much time with him during the week that he wanted but that it would be best for him to sleep in the same bed he had slept in since birth as much as possible. My ex took him and withheld him from me for 5 days. He would not let me see him or talk to him (I would typically call and sing nursery rhymes and songs to him over the phone even though he was so young. I just wanted him to hear my voice so he would know I had not left him.) Anyway, the ex also enrolled him in another daycare as well. Those were the longest five days of my life! I was forced to get an emergency court order granting me custody until our case could be heard. I remember it was Saturday when he was withheld and it was Wednesday afternoon when I got him back. When I showed up to pick him up, he jumped out the door. I scooped him up in my arms and he wrapped his chubby little arms around me and kept patting my back saying mama over and over. He literally would not let me put him down for two hours! It was like he was afraid I would leave him and not come back again. When we got to court instead of hanging my ex out to dry before a judge I decided to settle. I ended up giving him 4 nights every other weekend instead of the standard two. I decided it was best for my son to not have his parents in an all out war! I felt that revenge and hurting my ex was far less important than what was best for my son. That’s just one example of fighting the control monster.

There were also times when I was the control monster. I had my daughter’s time decreased with her father when she started school but for the longest time I would not deviate from our court order. I would not give extra time because I wanted to stay in control. Now she is old enough to say when she wants to go and so we listen to her, both of us. We work hard to communicate with each other on what’s going on with her and if she says she needs time with the other parent, we now work hard to make that happen.

So, why does the control monster come in and take over in some form or another in most cases? I think the number one reason is the ex wants to hit you where it hurts! They don’t want you to be happy or move on with someone else. If they feel they “hold the cards” then they can do whatever they want and what they want is to hurt you but what they don’t realize is they hurt those children FAR more than they hurt you! In a game of tug of war the rope in the middle is able to withstand the tugging. But if you were to tug on it constantly back and forth over a long period of time the tugged part of the rope becomes weaker, frayed and worn out. Your children are that part of the rope! They will become frayed, weak and eventually broken! If you are in this situation and the monster is trying to take over, stop and ask yourself is this the best thing for my child? Or is this just a way I can get back at the ex? Pray for wisdom to see through to the heart of the situation. Pray for peace and wisdom in this very difficult situation and then let God take care of it and give any revenge to them if needed.

Matthew 5:9 “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God.”

2 Corinthians 13:11 “Finally, brothers and sisters, rejoice! Strive for full restoration, encourage one another, be of one mind, live in peace. And the God of love and peace will be with you.”

The grass really isn’t always greener!

October 29, 2012April 27, 2013Leave a comment

It’s fall and it’s beautiful out there! We are fortunate enough to live fairly close to beautiful fall color so we took the kids to a state park for a picnic and hiking for the day recently. In today’s world, on today’s income, money is very tight so we have always tried to do day trips and things that are low cost or my personal favorite, free. The kids love it. When I was first divorced and when we first got married, it would really bother me because the other parent would buy so much and take the kids on expensive trips. (Ouch! I know I just hit a nerve!) Yes admit it! You have probably even been more than bothered, you may have even been a little jealous of some of the things the ex was doing and buying! (Ouch! I said jealous, haha!) After my little “moments”, however I would realize there is not a thing I could do about it other than be the best parent I could be. I would think of ideas that I or we could do with the kids to make memories. When I was a single mom with my two kids, I took my kids in the middle of February to the beach for the night. During the winter, alot of hotels offer very low rates at the beach so I was able to get a room with a queen bed and bunk beds as well as an indoor pool! At the time teen was 8 and lil man was 3. They were in awe! I took them swimming that evening and to the aquarium the next day before going home. Do you know my kids to this day still talk about that trip! Another time the same year my husband and I were married we took the kids about 4 hours away to a theme park and stayed for one night. I had gotten discounts on the room and the tickets. My husband was just starting college and we again did not have much money but wanted to do something fun before school started back. We had an amazing time, the five of us! All the kids, again to this day, still talk about it and beg to go back. Between my single mom days up until now, a couple of our kids have been given costly gifts and taken on expensive trips with the other parent, but here is something that surprised me…..they never really talked about it that much, or seemed to be as impressed as I thought they would be! They talk more about the little things that we have done than anything else. So here is the absolute best advice I could ever give from one blendermom to another: If you really want to impress your kids give them your TIME. I know you have heard that before but I can’t emphasize enough just how true it is. When you find yourself focusing on what the other parent or ex is doing, spending, etc….stop right there and start thinking about what you can do to give of yourself, your time to your kids. It’s not about what the other parent is doing or buying its about you loving the kids and making memories. We have watched the movie “Flubber” and then made flubber. We made pudding art with painting chocolate pudding all over waxed paper. We have got the kids up to watch a meteor shower or see a gigantic full moon rising while singing the moon song. We have been to countless parks and tried new walking trails. We have turned off all the lights, especially in the summer evenings, opened all the blinds, and watched a lightening storm. We have on numerous occasions when the weather was bad, gone to a local bookstore and had coffee (for us) and hot chocolate. Then the kids would each get a new book and we would come home and read them to the kids. The list goes on and on but you get the idea. It doesn’t have to be expensive. It doesn’t have to be grand. Whenever you think the grass is greener, that’s when you need to water your own. For other ideas, read my blog http://blendermom.me/153194395.  I would love to get comments and messages on what you have done to water your own grass and make memories. info@blendermom.me

Blended Families ..becoming the new norm

October 17, 2012Leave a comment

The numbers are very surprising but it seems that blended families are becoming the new norm these days and rates are on the rise. If that is true then why isn’t there more help and guidance for us blendermoms. Yes there are some books and things but this is the very reason that prompted me to start this blog and share my life. The bottom line is blended families have less chance of making it and being successful because they are blended. This breaks my heart! The children involved have had their world torn apart and have had to deal with more than they should ever have to deal with in their young lives already. We owe it to them to do every thing we possibly can to be strong and stable for them. My blog is about being in a blender but as you’ve noticed I have talked alot about marriage. That is because if your marriage is not strong it will not last and the children will once again pay. My husband had a boy tell him one day that he would be able to build stairs to the sky with all the step fathers he had. His mom was on her third marriage and it was on the rocks at the time and he was feeling scared and anxious. Let me state clearly and concisely it was not one of our boys but it could be if my husband and I haven’t made our marriage and each other a priority. One of the major difficulties in blenders is the issue of discipline. You have to talk about it and decide first how you want to discipline the kids. Like I have said before we sat down and came up with house rules for our children and what the consequences would be. I have never felt comfortable with spanking my bonus son so I don’t do it. My husband is the main disciplinarian for his son and I am his supporter. My husband’s role is the same for me and my children. That works for us really well. Let’s have a very “get really real” moment, shall we? There is a big potential for a step parent to be harder on the step child than their own bioligical children! Yes I said it! I didn’t say every step parent but I think the potential is greater there because there isn’t an emotional bond there as strong especially at the beginning. The bond comes as your family grows closer in love and grows in stability. I feel personally that just supporting the bio parent as they try to discipline their child is a win win situation. It makes the two of you act as one, strong for each other and it cuts down on resentment from the child. This is a video of a Dr. Phil interview on the Early Show. He gives some very good guidelines for blended families. It’s basic and straight forward. Let me state I am not being paid by Dr. Phil or The Early Show for placing this video on my blog. (But boy wouldn’t it be nice haha)

Abuse is Abuse

October 5, 2012May 20, 20132 Comments

I want to talk about verbal/emotional abuse. I didn’t know what it was at first. I thought that I was just becoming too sensitive and could not handle my self the way I should or maybe I wasn’t smart enough to say and do the right things as his wife. I thought that I was going crazy because I would scream and cry when I was alone because if I did it in front of him or tried to defend myself his anger would become so much worse. Let me state this clearly that he never ever hit me or laid a hand on me. It was always implied however. That was what tortured me the most was always this unspoken threat of what might would happen if he became even more angry and it terrified me. When he would get angry he would (what I call) rage at me for hours. Going on and on about what I had done wrong, twisting and turning it making me wish I was smarter or could have known how to say or do whatever it was I had not done right. I remember one night he was angry at something I don’t recall what it was. He had been raging and angry for a couple hours and I was exhausted. I was exhausted from defending myself and the long day and needed to go to work the next morning. I turned the light off and told him lets just try to calm down and go to bed. I got into bed and he flipped the light on in my face and said he was not finished. He then said he would finish after he took a shower. While he was in the shower I went and made a bed on the floor of the baby’s room thinking he would leave me alone and let me sleep if I was in there. I drifted off and then I felt eyes on me and breathing. When I opened my eyes he was inches from my face. It scared me to death. He coldly whispered that he was not finished with me and if I wouldn’t come back into our room he would drag me back in there. I started whispering/begging to let me sleep and finish it the next day but he grabbed the corners of the blanket and proceeded to drag me. He got about half way and I heard the baby stir. I did not want the little one to wake up! So I got up, head hanging and followed him back into the room. I don’t remember what happened after that. I just remember the deep broken bruised spirit as I walked out of that room. I didn’t know it was abuse becaue I didn’t have physical proof but I later realized it for what it truly was. Victims of abuse have a very deep need to be validated! They want people to see that they are not this horrible person the abuser wants you to think you are and terrified that just that is the way the world will view them and even more terrified that the world will see the abuser as the victim! You have to realize, though, that abuse is abuse no matter what form. It is about one controlling the other. I posted the video of a clip from the end of the movie “Labyrinth”. I actually love the movie but this is a very good example of what emotional and verbal abuse looks like. If you watch the clip you notice that the king originally plays the victim makes her feel like she is ungrateful for all he’s done even though the things he’s done have actually been against her. But next is the big part of the contradiction of abuse. He says to let him rule her. He says to do as he says and he will be her slave. That can not happen it is the opposite. You can not have both because one will always be in control and dominate the other. Also and this is the really important part especially when comparing it to spousal abuse is how he says to fear him and love him! Please please think about this verse! 1 John 4:18 NIV “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.” You can’t have fear of that person and recieve love! It is not what real love is. Real love is what I talked about in previous post. It is real caring and real respect. God wants you to feel His love! He does not want you to be treated this way. If you have any questions or need advice please email me and I, with God’s help, will do my best! info@blendermom.me