This was my very first post on this blog back in June 2012. It was on my heart today and I felt it needed to be re-written and re-posted. Thanks so much to all my readers and comments. It has meant so much to me!
My 2nd marriage lasted just over 2 years. We were having problems, particularly spiritual issues.
I begged him to get pastoral counseling with me but he didn’t(and still doesn’t) think counseling is scriptural. We were still managing to stay together, however, in spite of our problems until we were told by a family member that our pastor at the time was talking about me behind my back. He said that my husband had a “tiger by the tail when he married me”. I was hurt and totally offended. I wanted my husband to defend me and be upset with me but he seemed to defend the pastor. We called the pastor immediately but he would not return our calls for a week and finally he did call. He apoligized, but tried to justify that what he meant was I wear the pants in the family by that statement. (Was that really supposed to make me feel better?) He honestly didn’t know the workings of our marriage and had not right to give his opinion to others. I was still very hurt and offended but tried to make peace with the situation. My marriage after that was never the same and 5 months later we were separated. I felt that my husband didn’t go to bat for me and placed the pastor as more important, so to speak. Why am I writing this today? I think that the dynamics of a successful blended family are somewhat different then other marriages. It is very hard to put your marriage first above your children, especially when half is your own flesh and blood but not the other half but it is all the more important that you do! You have to learn and practice loving your spouse more. Do not misinterpret what I’m saying. This does not mean your blended children get less love and “sloppy seconds”. It just means your marriage to your spouse takes higher priority. Think about it: the stronger and together your marriage is the stronger you are able to be FOR your children. If you and him are divided then it filters down to the children and does not help them in any way feel safe in this blended family. They have already been through the horrors of divorce and you can bet that they are very scared that they will have to go through another! Being strong together shows them what a healthy relationship is and gives them comfort that everything is going to be ok.
This brings me to the above example of my second marriage and the topic of forgiveness. As I sat down for my quiet time with God this morning it felt that God was saying I need to forgive. Now obviously we need to work on forgiving our ex’s, but I’m talking about forgiving that pastor. You see, all these years, I have blamed him for the downfall of my second marriage. Matthew 11:6 KJV says “Blessed are those who are not easily offended”. Another verse and a favorite is Eph 4:31-32 “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice.” So in thinking about your precious blended family today, think about forgiveness. Is there a person (other than the ex) that you feel played a role in the downfall of your marriage or relationship? Open your heart up to forgiveness and letting that go. I promise it will lighten the load and make you feel more refreshed and able to give your focus and energy to your family who deserve it way more than that person who offended you!