Does God want me to stay in an abusive/controlling marriage?


I fought for three years to stay in an abusive marriage.  I thought that God wanted me to stay and that it was best to not break up my family for my child’s sake.  My reasoning was that he never hit me so maybe this is all in my mind anyway, right?  I mean every cruel condescending word that felt like a blow to my soul and hiding in the bathroom praying that God would calm him down because I didn’t know what was coming next wasn’t abuse, right?  The answer is YES!  You are being emotionally and verbally abused.  We all can technically be abusive from time to time but what defines the relationship as abusive is that it is a pattern of abusive behaviour used over and over again.  Alot of christians feel that the bible doesn’t really talk about abuse but I think it does. Do I think God wants you to stay in an abusive marriage? I believe NO He does not!  However I do believe that the decision is not to be taken lightly!  God doesn’t like divorce but he doesn’t like abuse either.  When trying to decide you should take steps first on empowering yourself on the inside by really working on your personal faith and relationship with Him.  He has His timing on everything and letting Him lead your steps will bring more peace to you even along this hard road that you are on.  I have included some excerts from a blog that really clarifies what the bible has to say about abuse.  If you have time please click on the link and read the entire post.

Here is an excert from an article written by Danni Moss in which I think she explained very clearly:

Jesus stated the purpose of His coming in Luke 4: 18,19.

“The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because he hath anointed me to preach the gospel to the poor; he hath sent me to heal the brokenhearted, to preach deliverance to the captives, and recovering of sight to the blind, to set at liberty them that are bruised, To preach the acceptable year of the Lord.”

Jesus came for the purpose of healing the brokenhearted, delivering captives, and liberating those who are bruised. That perfectly describes the condition of someone who is being abused in their marriage. Jesus came to rescue people from abusive relationships!” 

She goes on to say:

“Nowhere in the Word is there a place where God applauds or supports abuse. In fact, abuse is inherently opposite to God’s nature. If believers are made new creatures in Christ and partakers in His nature, how can we possible justify or excuse abusive behavior by someone bearing the name “Christian?” If we assume an abusive spouse is not a believer (which may, in fact, be supportable by Scripture) is a Christian abused partner expected by God to remain in that abusive relationship? The answer is still no. A Christian does not enable another person to continue in sin. By remaining in an abusive marriage, a Christian sends the message that the abusive behavior is acceptable – and affirms the abusers sin.” (This is the link to the complete article…  )

Please read the entire article because it is very good stuff and goes on to explain further steps to take as a christian in that type of situation. Seek counseling from a pastor or professional for yourself.  If you are in an abusive situation the chances are your partner does not want you talking about your marital problems but it helped me realize my own God given strength.  If you can get your partner to go then go together, but be careful that you choose someone that has worked in abusive situations because the dynamics of this kind of relationship are very differenct than just a normal troubled marriage! Take steps to try to make your marriage work if there is no physical threat to you or your children.  If you leave, you want that to be the last resort and you will need the peace of mind that you did all that you could to stay.   I love Isaiah 53:5 NIV “But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed.”  Jesus died for you to have peace and healing.  He wants that for you and your family.  When you are trying to make the hard decisions, hold onto that.  With every decision, ask yourself if that decision will bring peace and healing.



11 thoughts on “Does God want me to stay in an abusive/controlling marriage?

  1. zamoracatalina says:

    Thank you for your post…my loving God wants me to be happy and believes that my decisions to move on with my life are part of this. It is good to hear from other strong women.

  2. Dori says:

    I too have had years of experience in my “past life” with verbal and emotional abuse. Although there are biblical reasons for divorce, among them adultery, abandonment, abuse/violence, all of these have the potential to be reconciled and healed. If both partners do not, will not, or can not totally repent and recommit themselves to the marriage through counseling and coaching, then I do not believe that the covenant of marriage exists any longer. We each must walk our own path and pray while protecting our hearts diligently. Divorce should be the last recourse of action, but if it is the only recourse, then find supportive and godly people to help you through it and find a Divorce Care program ( dori:) .

    • blendermom3 says:

      Thank you Dori for your thoughtful comment! It is very vital that when facing these heart breaking issues that you surround yourself with a Godly supportive network. Divorce should never be taken lightly. I did not have the opportunity to go through the Divorce care program but learned later that it can be very helpful. Thank you so much again for sharing!!

      • Dori Pulse says:

        I never believe in “accidental occurences” any longer. Since I surrendered my life to Christ and a life with first focus on God, I know that people and experiences are part of God’s divine plan for me. I am thankful for YOU and I connecting and sharing. We become rich as we gain loving Christian relationships in our lives. Happy Blessed Easter….He is Risen! He is Risen Indeed!

  3. SSB80 says:

    Thank you so much for writing this post. I am on my second verbally and emotionally abusive marriage and feel that I am at my breaking point. We just went through our 2nd miscarriage and have gone to individual counseling where my husband was confirmed to have a mental illness. These run in his family along with extreme trauma from his childhood experiences. Our Pastor told me that God will not continue to bless me if I leave the marriage but I feel completely dead inside and am afraid that I have been so beaten down that I can never look at my husband the same way I did before. Anything can set him off, even if I just walk in the house and smile at him. I feel so stressed out and wonder if this is really what God wants me to endure???? He claims that he will get better but I feel in my heart that he does not even have the mental capabilities to sustain the type of cognitive change that he needs. I believe that God can do anything but I don’t feel as if I have the strength to go through another one of his fits.

  4. blendermom3 says:

    Danni Moss wrote most of this post that I linked to. It was like refreshing rain when I came across her writing because like you, I was searching for the same thing…peace. In abusive relationships there is no peace. I hear that in your words, that desperation to find true peace.
    I think it is wonderful that you get counseling for you. And the fact you’re reading this means you truly love God and want to live in a way that honors Him, that you are searching for answers in seeking Him. It says so much about your character and strength.
    There is nothing wrong with separating and working on you if that is what your heart tells you. If you stay, it will be painful, messy and lifechanging. If you separate, it will be painful, messy and lifechanging. But which will make you a better woman, Christian, person? If he says he will get better, great! But like you, he must do this on his own. You know you can’t change for him.
    As far as your Pastor, again, it is wonderful you are seeking God in this. I’ve had hurtful things said to me as well from church leaders. Especially before my second husband left me. My father is a pastor. He taught me that you don’t have to look up to anyone’s expectations but God’s! What one person thinks righteous living should look like will not line up with everyone. In other words, should you leave? That is between you and God. He loves you, He is for you and your are more precious than rubies. And don’t ever forget the words of Jesus, “He who is without sin, cast the first stone.”
    I’m currently writing new updated piece entitled “Does God Want Me to Stay” so stay tuned….

    • SSB80 says:

      Thank you so much for your reply. You are a gift and I pray that God continues to bless you! I am planning on separating for now and finding another church home. I am realizing that I keep getting into bad relationships because of me. I am going to take the time out to build my love up for myself and work on my issues. Thank you so much for your help!

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