Having A Hard Time Because Of Someone’s Actions?

Letting goDuring the service last Sunday, I was reminded of the story of Joseph and how his brothers sold him into slavery because they were jealous. But it wasn’t what they did that gripped my heart. It was his reaction when he was reunited with them years later!

Genesis 45:4-8 “I am Joseph, your brother, whom you sold into slavery in Egypt.  But don’t be upset, and don’t be angry with yourselves for selling me to this place. It was God who sent me here ahead of you to preserve your lives. This famine that has ravaged the land for two years will last five more years, and there will be neither plowing nor harvesting. God has sent me ahead of you to keep you and your families alive and to preserve many survivors. So it was God who sent me here, not you! And he is the one who made me an adviser to Pharaoh—the manager of his entire palace and the governor of all Egypt.

Have you been going through a really hard time because of someone’s actions? Having trouble trying to see the good in something painful? I have had trouble, especially in the past, of forgiving and letting go. I’ve wanted them to know what it’s like to hurt as they had hurt me or mistreated my family.

I’ve had conversations in my head that went a little like this:

Me: “But Lord, they hurt me so deeply and those I care most about! They can’t get away with that!”

God whispers: “Forgive them.”

Me: “But why Lord? They don’t deserve it! If I forgive they will think I’m ok with what they did.”

God whispers: “Extend grace to them.”

Me: “But why Father when they have not shown it to me; to my loved ones.”

Again He whispers: “They hurt Me when they hurt you, but you must forgive them as I have forgiven you. You must extend grace to them as I have extended grace to you. With their actions and in the pain you may have lost little but as My child, you have and will be given much.”Letting go

Joseph had every right and opportunity to have his revenge but he saw through the pain and instead extended grace and forgiveness because he knew that God had a plan for his life and God most certainly has a plan for us. Lamentations 3:37 “Who can command things to happen without the Lord’s permission?”

If I am holding onto the pain and anger placed there by others then my hands are too full to take hold of the beautiful blessings that God is trying to give me. Sometimes, He allows things to happen to empty our hands of all that mess, all that pain, all that bitterness so that he can fill them to overflowing with His goodness!

Ephesians 3:20 “Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us.”
I encourage you to let go of the mess placed there by the ex. Let go of the mess placed there by a family member. Let go of the mess placed there by a friend. Drop it and embrace all the good things God has planned for you.

Letting go

 

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From the Blendermom Archives: Words, Words, Words

Verbal affirmation: That is my love language. I don’t really remember when words became so important to me. I remember writing my first song when I was in the 4th grade. I wrote songs and poetry in high school and even had a poem published in a creative writing publication through the school.

I do remember, however, when words started to hurt, when words felt like fists, when words changed me for the rest of my life. That is what verbal abuse will do to you. It leaves you in deep pain, beaten, and defeated. “I love you, so I’m going to tell you all that is wrong with you! Everyone else, your friends and co-workers, they think the same things about you that I’m saying. They just don’t love you enough to tell you.” I heard that day after day. Words and more words just chipping away at my lonely soul. Oh if only I had really known by heart Proverbs 18:2 “Fools have no interest in understanding; they only want to air their own opinions.” (That’s a good one and pretty much describes a verbal abuser.)

Here is one small example. When he would get angry he would (what I call) rage at me for hours. He would go on and on about what I had done wrong, twisting and turning it making me wish I was smarter or could have known how to say or do whatever it was I had not done right. I remember one night he was angry at something I don’t recall what it was. He had been raging and angry for a couple hours and I was exhausted. I was exhausted from defending myself and the long day and needed to go to work the next morning. I turned the light off and told him lets just try to calm down and go to bed. I got into bed and he flipped the light on in my face and said he was not finished with me yet but that he would after his shower. While he was in the shower I went and made a bed on the floor of the baby’s room thinking he would leave me alone and let me sleep if I was in there because he would not want the little one to wake up. Exhausted, I drifted off to sleep until I was awakened suddenly feeling breath on my face and in the darkness I was able to make out his eyes a few inches from my face. My heart began pounding. He coldly whispered that he was not finished with me and if I wouldn’t come back into our room he would drag me back in there. I started whispering/begging to let me sleep and finish it the next day but he grabbed the corners of the blanket and proceeded to drag me out of the room. He got about half way and I heard the baby stir. I did not want the little one to wake up! So I got up, head hanging and followed him back into the room. I don’t remember what happened after that. I just remember my deeply broken and bruised spirit as I walked out of that room. I remember the fear, shame, and humiliation.

At the end of the movie, Labyrinth, is another very good example of what emotional and verbal abuse looks like. The goblin king originally plays the victim making the object of his affection, the girl feel like she is ungrateful for all he’s done even though the things he’s done have actually been against her and have been meant to harm her. Next is the big part of the contradiction of abuse. He says to let him rule her. He says to do as he says and he will be her slave. That can not happen it is the opposite. You can not have both because one will always be in control and dominate the other. Also, more importantly, when comparing it to spousal abuse is how he says to fear him and love him! Take a look at this verse! 1 John 4:18 NIV “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.” You can’t have fear of that person and receive love! That’s not love.

Because verbal affirmation is my love language, I honestly think that is why that kind of abuse had such a profound impact on me. Words, good and bad, hit right to my heart. My husband can clean and do laundry (which I’m not hatin) however if he doesn’t verbalize his love to me, I wonder what ulterior motive might he have. Sounds crazy but that is me.

This post was also published on familyfusioncommunity.com and here is the link: http://familyfusioncommunity.com/2013/11/04/words-words-words/. My email is me@blendermom.me if you need someone to pray with you if you are in this kind of relationship.

Does God want me to stay in an abusive/controlling marriage?

Bread-crumbs

I fought for three years to stay in an abusive marriage.  I thought that God wanted me to stay and that it was best to not break up my family for my child’s sake.  My reasoning was that he never hit me so maybe this is all in my mind anyway, right?  I mean every cruel condescending word that felt like a blow to my soul and hiding in the bathroom praying that God would calm him down because I didn’t know what was coming next wasn’t abuse, right?  The answer is YES!  You are being emotionally and verbally abused.  We all can technically be abusive from time to time but what defines the relationship as abusive is that it is a pattern of abusive behaviour used over and over again.  Alot of christians feel that the bible doesn’t really talk about abuse but I think it does. Do I think God wants you to stay in an abusive marriage? I believe NO He does not!  However I do believe that the decision is not to be taken lightly!  God doesn’t like divorce but he doesn’t like abuse either.  When trying to decide you should take steps first on empowering yourself on the inside by really working on your personal faith and relationship with Him.  He has His timing on everything and letting Him lead your steps will bring more peace to you even along this hard road that you are on.  I have included some excerts from a blog that really clarifies what the bible has to say about abuse.  If you have time please click on the link and read the entire post.

Here is an excert from an article written by Danni Moss in which I think she explained very clearly:

Jesus stated the purpose of His coming in Luke 4: 18,19.

“The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because he hath anointed me to preach the gospel to the poor; he hath sent me to heal the brokenhearted, to preach deliverance to the captives, and recovering of sight to the blind, to set at liberty them that are bruised, To preach the acceptable year of the Lord.”

Jesus came for the purpose of healing the brokenhearted, delivering captives, and liberating those who are bruised. That perfectly describes the condition of someone who is being abused in their marriage. Jesus came to rescue people from abusive relationships!” 

She goes on to say:

“Nowhere in the Word is there a place where God applauds or supports abuse. In fact, abuse is inherently opposite to God’s nature. If believers are made new creatures in Christ and partakers in His nature, how can we possible justify or excuse abusive behavior by someone bearing the name “Christian?” If we assume an abusive spouse is not a believer (which may, in fact, be supportable by Scripture) is a Christian abused partner expected by God to remain in that abusive relationship? The answer is still no. A Christian does not enable another person to continue in sin. By remaining in an abusive marriage, a Christian sends the message that the abusive behavior is acceptable – and affirms the abusers sin.” (This is the link to the complete article http://dannimoss.wordpress.com/articles/abuse-in-the-christian-home/does-god-…  )

Please read the entire article because it is very good stuff and goes on to explain further steps to take as a christian in that type of situation. Seek counseling from a pastor or professional for yourself.  If you are in an abusive situation the chances are your partner does not want you talking about your marital problems but it helped me realize my own God given strength.  If you can get your partner to go then go together, but be careful that you choose someone that has worked in abusive situations because the dynamics of this kind of relationship are very differenct than just a normal troubled marriage! Take steps to try to make your marriage work if there is no physical threat to you or your children.  If you leave, you want that to be the last resort and you will need the peace of mind that you did all that you could to stay.   I love Isaiah 53:5 NIV “But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed.”  Jesus died for you to have peace and healing.  He wants that for you and your family.  When you are trying to make the hard decisions, hold onto that.  With every decision, ask yourself if that decision will bring peace and healing.

 

Abuse is Abuse

I want to talk about verbal/emotional abuse.   I didn’t know what it was at first.  I thought that I was just becoming too sensitive and could not handle my self the way I should or maybe I wasn’t smart enough to say and do the right things as his wife.  I thought that I was going crazy because I would scream and cry when I was alone because if I did it in front of him or tried to defend myself his anger would become so much worse.  Let me state this clearly that he never ever hit me or laid a hand on me.  It was always implied however.  That was what tortured me the most was always this unspoken threat of what might would happen if he became even more angry and it terrified me. When he would get angry he would (what I call) rage at me for hours.  Going on and on about what I had done wrong, twisting and turning it making me wish I was smarter or could have known how to say or do whatever it was I had not done right.  I remember one night he was angry at something I don’t recall what it was.  He had been raging and angry for a couple hours and I was exhausted.  I was exhausted from defending myself and the long day and needed to go to work the next morning.  I turned the light off and told him lets just try to calm down and go to bed.  I got into bed and he flipped the light on in my face and said he was not finished.  He then said he would finish after he took a shower.  While he was in the shower I went and made a bed on the floor of the baby’s room thinking he would leave me alone and let me sleep if I was in there.  I drifted off and then I felt eyes on me and breathing.  When I opened my eyes he was inches from my face.  It scared me to death.  He coldly whispered that he was not finished with me and if I wouldn’t come back into our room he would drag me back in there.  I started whispering/begging to let me sleep and finish it the next day but he grabbed the corners of the blanket and proceeded to drag me.  He got about half way and I heard the baby stir.  I did not want the little one to wake up! So I got up, head hanging and followed him back into the room.  I don’t remember what happened after that.  I just remember the deep broken bruised spirit as I walked out of that room.  I didn’t know it was abuse becaue I didn’t have physical proof but I later realized it for what it truly was.  Victims of abuse have a very deep need to be validated! They want people to see that they are not this horrible person the abuser wants you to think you are and terrified that just that is the way the world will view them and even more terrified that the world will see the abuser as the victim! You have to realize, though, that abuse is abuse no matter what form.  It is about one controlling the other.  I posted the video of a clip from the end of the movie “Labyrinth”.  I actually love the movie but this is a very good example of what emotional and verbal abuse looks like.  If you watch the clip you notice that the king originally plays the victim makes her feel like she is ungrateful for all he’s done even though the things he’s done have actually been against her.  But next is the big part of the contradiction of abuse.  He says to let him rule her.  He says to do as he says and he will be her slave.  That can not happen it is the opposite.  You can not have both because one will always be in control and dominate the other.  Also and this is the really important part especially when comparing it to spousal abuse is how he says to fear him and love him! Please please think about this verse! 1 John 4:18 NIV “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.”  You can’t have fear of that person and recieve love! It is not what real love is.  Real love is what I talked about in previous post.  It is real caring and real respect.  God wants you to feel His love!  He does not want you to be treated this way.  If you have any questions or need advice please email me and I, with God’s help, will do my best!  info@blendermom.me