Fight and Flight…my thoughts on marital conflict

My husband and I recently had a huge fight.  It was the biggest fight we have had since we married 5 years ago.  I’m not saying we don’t ever fight but we typically are over it very quickly and get on with the making up part. (blush blush)  The trouble had been brewing for a short while now but it came to a head and exploded over $30 water bottles. (crazy! right?)  This is the kind of argument that you can’t see your way past your anger and the kind that last a few days and when you’re done you feel exhausted and maybe even a little numb.  Teen in the midst of this came home and feeling the oppressive tension asked me if we were going to get a divorce.  I’m pretty sure that when parents fight that all kids ask that but I feel it is asked on a deeper level by a kid that has already gone through a divorce and remarriage with a parent.   It got me thinking.  There’s such a high percentage of subsequent marriages that don’t last.  Why is that?  My guess is that after going through divorce it is no longer this huge wall that you have never seen what’s on the other side.  It is no longer an unknown.  Most people when facing something big would rather face the known rather than the unknown, at least I would.  In those heated moments when you want to shake them and make them understand, when your inner self is wanting to be “one up” and the winner, you tend to think very irrationally.  (duh!)  Be very honest….how many times have you thought or said or had your partner say, “Well there’s the door if you want to leave!”  During times of stress and fear, scientists say we have a fight or flight response.  We decide to stay and fight or we rapidly run away.  I think in a remarriage/blended family relationship it’s more like fight AND flight.  You get to fighting and decide “I’m strong and independent.  I’ve taken myself out of a bad situation, started over, and I certainly can do it again!”  So you remove yourself from the situation or think about removing yourself from the situation.  In other words, you think about leaving.

I am trying to put my trust in God.  This is what I am trying to do during those times.   There is a marriage page on FB by DaveWillis.org. It’s an awesome site.  I found a picture on his page that sums it up.

625426_490381501022600_395905754_n

It may seem easy on paper but it is so very hard to do!   Be compassionate, have sympathy toward your spouse, love them without condition, and show humility if at all possible!  1 Peter 3:8 “Finally, all of you be like-minded,  be sympathetic, love one another, be compassionate and humble.”  Wow! In researching and praying as I write this post I am so convicted!  How often have I not practiced this verse towards my friends, my family, and most importantly my husband! If you are reading this right now will you stop and pray for me and my husband.  Pray that I will remember this verse when our marriage faces difficulties.  Pray that I will be mindful to put my trust in God because He loves me, He loves my husband and my children, and because He wants us to succeed.  Pray that I will remember He has it all figured out.

My husband and I drove down to the dead end of our street where we could have privacy and worked it out that afternoon.  We started with arguing but ended with really listening to each other.  We then went back to the house and had a family meeting.  We explained to the kids that it was no secret we had been arguing that day but that no one is perfect.  We are all human, we get angry and emotional at times, we don’t always agree and our farts smell sometimes. (Rec’d giggles from them over that last part).  We explained that we love each other very much and that we are not divorcing or splitting up.  We re-assured them of how much we love them and asked if there was anything they wanted to say or any questions they may have. You could see the worry and tension leave their faces and a peace settled in our home.  (Thank you Father God for that amazing peace!)

All of this has made me sure of what I want and don’t want.  I don’t want the fight and flight response!  I just want the FIGHT!  I want to fight for my marriage.  I want to fight for my family.  I want to fight to ensure that our blended home is a happy home.  I want to fight satan and defeat him and not let him have yet another marriage that will destroy lives!  As I hit the publish button, I am praying for you reading this.  I am praying for you to show forgiveness and grace in your marriage and I am praying for that peace that passes all understanding that only comes from God.

Advertisements

6 thoughts on “Fight and Flight…my thoughts on marital conflict

  1. The Mom says:

    I love that you shared this. The nitty gritty of what it’s like to be married for a second time. The fears we have that maybe it’s easier to divorce after we’ve divorced once. The fears our children hold on to. But mostly I love that you found a way to work it out. You let it boil over, fought over it, then stopped and listened, and grew together. Ultimately, this is the experience that makes your marriage stronger. The ability to figure it out. Trusting you will. Knowing it’s a process that starts with anger, culminates in yelling, and ends with a kiss. Sometimes fighting over $30 in water bottles IS fighting FOR your marriage! Thanks for sharing this story!

  2. blendermom3 says:

    Thx so much for your encouraging comments!!!! Sometimes I know what I’m saying in my head but wonder if any one else reading it will get it and if it makes since but you totally got what I was trying to say…..thank you again for taking the time to leave me feed back on your thoughts and encouraging me to keep sharing.

  3. mrsthaywood says:

    Thank you so much for being willing to share and be honest. Arguments happen (even big ones) in every marriage and honestly that happen in the best ones sometimes because we don’t speak our feelings when we should or maybe we speak them in the wrong way. I appreciate you for your trust in God to work it out… it is encouraging and uplifting.

    • blendermom3 says:

      Thank you so much for your thoughts! I am trying to share more of myself and yes it does get hard to really put yourself out there. The great thing is the more I do the more it seems I learn about myself as well as God’s amazing love! I just added a new blog post where I try to expand on that…….

  4. upliftingfam says:

    Thank you for humbling yourself and sharing this post. God wants us to honor him through our commitments that we said when we got married. He didn’t say marriage was easy and that it won’t take work. Like you said even in disagreement, you have to work through the root of the problem and ask God to help you forgive.

    • blendermom3 says:

      That is true! Working through it is important although sometimes is hard when we really only see our way of thinking on things. It is also difficult to be raw and share these experiences on marriage and my feelings after being divorced for worrying what others may think but God is so good and so faithful and he takes what little we give him, even our mistakes and uses them for His glory. Thank you for taking the time to stop by, read, and comment your encouragement!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s