How a Coke Revealed to Me What Was Important in my Marriage

Scarcely had I left them when I found him whom my soul loves; I held on to him and would not let him go. ~Song of Solomon 3:4a

My husband and I just celebrated our 8th wedding anniversary. I found a clean white envelope on the kitchen counter simply addressed to my angel. Later, as I placed the sweet card on my desk that he had given me, I noticed a Coke can sitting there. I remembered the day he gave that to me as well.

It had been one of those days. I had come home from work unusually stressed and tired. Trying to scramble to get dinner ready while snapping at my husband who was trying to help me, as he often did. As I was getting the plates and silverware, he gingerly came up to me holding a can of soda. I looked up and it was one of the new “share a Coke” cans and on the side it had the word Soulmate. Eagerly he said, “I want to share this with you over dinner.” Immediately I felt all the tension of the day leave my spirit. Isn’t it amazing how one act, one word can change everything?
Later, my heart felt heavy with guilt as I lovingly rinsed out that soda can and placed it among my special treasures on my desk. How often does my husband get the back seat in our life or after our children for that matter? How often does he get my leftovers? I would never treat others, such as my boss with such disrespect. I know the answer is because at home, I am most comfortable. I feel safe among my precious loved ones enough to let my guard down. But does that make it more excusable?

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Scarcely had I left them when I found him whom my soul loves; i held on to him and would not let him go. ~Song of Solomon 3:4a

It has been a long and difficult journey thru heartbreak and divorce to finding my way to my husband and the same for him. Our dynamic is different because we each have children that we must prioritize. We may not have the luxury for just the two of us to go off on an exotic getaway. The children’s medical bills, braces, college and family vacations come first. However, I can show him he means so much to me, not in the elaborate but in the every day. I can give him my best, my encouragement and support. Set aside a small part of my day just for him.

I want to be my husband’s true mate, a real partner in life and I was reminded of that by a soda can. I pray that I will always be continually reminded. Reminded that showing my husband everyday in some small way that he truly is the one that my soul loves.

This post originally appeared in the Huffington Post and South Africa’s All4Women

 

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Soulmates and Soda Cans

Song of Solomon 3:4a “Scarcely had I left them when I found him whom my soul loves; I held on to him and would not let him go.”

The other day, I came home from work unusually stressed and tired. Trying to scramble to get dinner ready and snapping at my husband who was trying to help me as he often does. As I was getting the plates and silverware, my husband gingerly came up to me holding a can of soda. I looked up and it was one of the new “share a Coke” cans and on the side it had the word “Soulmate”. Eagerly he said, “I want to share this with you over dinner.” Immediately I felt all the tension of the day leave my spirit. Isn’t it amazing how one act, one word can change everything?

I was convicted as I lovingly rinsed out that soda can and placed it among my special treasures. How often does my husband get the back seat in our life or after our children for that matter? How often does he get my leftovers? I would never treat others, such as my boss with disrespect. I know the answer is because at home, I am most comfortable. I feel safe among my precious loved ones enough to let my guard down. But does that make it more excusable?

I have also become disgusted with how mass media tends to portray husbands as stupid, bumbling idiots with the wife being smart, powerful, and controlling. There is no partnership in that. There is no companionship or mutual respect when one is controlling or dominating the other. Yet a lot of ladies grow up thinking that is how it should be and they set up house with that kind of dynamic. It is the world’s way, the world’s view but it is not God’s way. Romans 12:2 “Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.”

It has been a long and difficult journey finding my way to my husband and the same for him. I want to be his true mate; his partner in life, not his boss. My prayer is that God will continue to remind me of this. Remind me that showing my husband everyday in some small way that he truly is the one that my soul loves.

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Love Him/Love Him Not

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Today’s topic is about how we love our husbands.  It pertains to normal relationships.  This does not apply to abusive or cheating men. 

My husband is a very good man.  He is good to me and very importantly, he is good to my kids.  He is my best friend (we love being together).  He is my lover. (woot woot!!)  Now, if you are reading this, you are probably thinking about your husband in comparison and how he is or is not like my husband, or if single, thinking how you wish you had someone like him or how your ex was certainly NOT like him!  However, what you probably did not think about is the kind of wife you are or were and how that has shaped the kind of husband you have or want.  It is only natural to look away from ourselves to the outside influences especially if we are not in the best place in our relationship.  We tend to not stop and say to ourselves “how did I contribute to us getting to this point?”  No, if you are unhappy in your relationship you tend to use alot of finger pointing the other way.  I know that I am so guilty of this, especially in previous relationships. How often do we women fall into a pattern of thinking how he does not do this or does not do that or does not say this etc…  We become so obsessed with standards that he is not living up to that we discount our own behaviour. Don’t get me wrong, it takes both of you to make or break a relationship, but let’s face it ladies, the only thing you can change in this thing is yourself! I see alot on social media, the ladies posting actors, musicians, etc… pics talking about how gorgeous that man is or talking about the latest “colorful” book they have read that is nothing short of soft porn and all the while they are married.  I can’t help but feel how utterly disrespectful that is to your man.  What is sad is that I see it coming from the ladies way more than I see it coming from the men.  I think that if your man turned around and did the same thing you would be so angry with him and upset.  I think that you would feel inadequate and unattractive.  My husband takes care of himself and likes to be healthy by working out. In a previous relationship, my husband’s ex would see body builders on TV and say things like “why can’t you look like that”.  Now I don’t know if she said it often or only once or twice but it tore him down and has affected him more than I can put into words.  One of my ex’s loved to look at women.  Every where we would go he would comment on some woman.  I always felt that he was looking at every woman in the room but me no matter how hard I tried to look good and it cut deep and hurt me deep in my spirit.  It taught me that I do not ever want to treat the one that I love in that way!!  I don’t ever want my husband to feel the way I felt! 

In today’s blended family marriage is the upmost importance but can also be very fragile!  You have so much working against you but it is so important to be strong and together for your kids so that they don’t have to go through yet another divorce.  Stop and think right now about how you have been loving your husband and think about how you have not.  Ask God to show you how to love your husband the way He wants you to love him.

Song of Solomon 8:6
Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm; for love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame. (NIV)

Abuse is Abuse

I want to talk about verbal/emotional abuse.   I didn’t know what it was at first.  I thought that I was just becoming too sensitive and could not handle my self the way I should or maybe I wasn’t smart enough to say and do the right things as his wife.  I thought that I was going crazy because I would scream and cry when I was alone because if I did it in front of him or tried to defend myself his anger would become so much worse.  Let me state this clearly that he never ever hit me or laid a hand on me.  It was always implied however.  That was what tortured me the most was always this unspoken threat of what might would happen if he became even more angry and it terrified me. When he would get angry he would (what I call) rage at me for hours.  Going on and on about what I had done wrong, twisting and turning it making me wish I was smarter or could have known how to say or do whatever it was I had not done right.  I remember one night he was angry at something I don’t recall what it was.  He had been raging and angry for a couple hours and I was exhausted.  I was exhausted from defending myself and the long day and needed to go to work the next morning.  I turned the light off and told him lets just try to calm down and go to bed.  I got into bed and he flipped the light on in my face and said he was not finished.  He then said he would finish after he took a shower.  While he was in the shower I went and made a bed on the floor of the baby’s room thinking he would leave me alone and let me sleep if I was in there.  I drifted off and then I felt eyes on me and breathing.  When I opened my eyes he was inches from my face.  It scared me to death.  He coldly whispered that he was not finished with me and if I wouldn’t come back into our room he would drag me back in there.  I started whispering/begging to let me sleep and finish it the next day but he grabbed the corners of the blanket and proceeded to drag me.  He got about half way and I heard the baby stir.  I did not want the little one to wake up! So I got up, head hanging and followed him back into the room.  I don’t remember what happened after that.  I just remember the deep broken bruised spirit as I walked out of that room.  I didn’t know it was abuse becaue I didn’t have physical proof but I later realized it for what it truly was.  Victims of abuse have a very deep need to be validated! They want people to see that they are not this horrible person the abuser wants you to think you are and terrified that just that is the way the world will view them and even more terrified that the world will see the abuser as the victim! You have to realize, though, that abuse is abuse no matter what form.  It is about one controlling the other.  I posted the video of a clip from the end of the movie “Labyrinth”.  I actually love the movie but this is a very good example of what emotional and verbal abuse looks like.  If you watch the clip you notice that the king originally plays the victim makes her feel like she is ungrateful for all he’s done even though the things he’s done have actually been against her.  But next is the big part of the contradiction of abuse.  He says to let him rule her.  He says to do as he says and he will be her slave.  That can not happen it is the opposite.  You can not have both because one will always be in control and dominate the other.  Also and this is the really important part especially when comparing it to spousal abuse is how he says to fear him and love him! Please please think about this verse! 1 John 4:18 NIV “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.”  You can’t have fear of that person and recieve love! It is not what real love is.  Real love is what I talked about in previous post.  It is real caring and real respect.  God wants you to feel His love!  He does not want you to be treated this way.  If you have any questions or need advice please email me and I, with God’s help, will do my best!  info@blendermom.me