From the Blendermom Archives: Words, Words, Words

Verbal affirmation: That is my love language. I don’t really remember when words became so important to me. I remember writing my first song when I was in the 4th grade. I wrote songs and poetry in high school and even had a poem published in a creative writing publication through the school.

I do remember, however, when words started to hurt, when words felt like fists, when words changed me for the rest of my life. That is what verbal abuse will do to you. It leaves you in deep pain, beaten, and defeated. “I love you, so I’m going to tell you all that is wrong with you! Everyone else, your friends and co-workers, they think the same things about you that I’m saying. They just don’t love you enough to tell you.” I heard that day after day. Words and more words just chipping away at my lonely soul. Oh if only I had really known by heart Proverbs 18:2 “Fools have no interest in understanding; they only want to air their own opinions.” (That’s a good one and pretty much describes a verbal abuser.)

Here is one small example. When he would get angry he would (what I call) rage at me for hours. He would go on and on about what I had done wrong, twisting and turning it making me wish I was smarter or could have known how to say or do whatever it was I had not done right. I remember one night he was angry at something I don’t recall what it was. He had been raging and angry for a couple hours and I was exhausted. I was exhausted from defending myself and the long day and needed to go to work the next morning. I turned the light off and told him lets just try to calm down and go to bed. I got into bed and he flipped the light on in my face and said he was not finished with me yet but that he would after his shower. While he was in the shower I went and made a bed on the floor of the baby’s room thinking he would leave me alone and let me sleep if I was in there because he would not want the little one to wake up. Exhausted, I drifted off to sleep until I was awakened suddenly feeling breath on my face and in the darkness I was able to make out his eyes a few inches from my face. My heart began pounding. He coldly whispered that he was not finished with me and if I wouldn’t come back into our room he would drag me back in there. I started whispering/begging to let me sleep and finish it the next day but he grabbed the corners of the blanket and proceeded to drag me out of the room. He got about half way and I heard the baby stir. I did not want the little one to wake up! So I got up, head hanging and followed him back into the room. I don’t remember what happened after that. I just remember my deeply broken and bruised spirit as I walked out of that room. I remember the fear, shame, and humiliation.

At the end of the movie, Labyrinth, is another very good example of what emotional and verbal abuse looks like. The goblin king originally plays the victim making the object of his affection, the girl feel like she is ungrateful for all he’s done even though the things he’s done have actually been against her and have been meant to harm her. Next is the big part of the contradiction of abuse. He says to let him rule her. He says to do as he says and he will be her slave. That can not happen it is the opposite. You can not have both because one will always be in control and dominate the other. Also, more importantly, when comparing it to spousal abuse is how he says to fear him and love him! Take a look at this verse! 1 John 4:18 NIV “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.” You can’t have fear of that person and receive love! That’s not love.

Because verbal affirmation is my love language, I honestly think that is why that kind of abuse had such a profound impact on me. Words, good and bad, hit right to my heart. My husband can clean and do laundry (which I’m not hatin) however if he doesn’t verbalize his love to me, I wonder what ulterior motive might he have. Sounds crazy but that is me.

This post was also published on familyfusioncommunity.com and here is the link: http://familyfusioncommunity.com/2013/11/04/words-words-words/. My email is me@blendermom.me if you need someone to pray with you if you are in this kind of relationship.

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Broken & Blessed

I can’t believe that this week I will be celebrating 5 years of marriage with my wonderful husband.  It seems like it was only yesterday we were married and yet we have been through so incredibly much!  I remember in a previous marriage I was married for 7 years and yet it felt more like 20 years.  I’ve written about that experience in a few previous blogs but you can read this one  to get an idea https://blendermom3.wordpress.com/2012/10/05/abuse-is-abuse/.   Obviously it was a very dark time for me.  I learned so much about myself as a Christian woman, mother, and wife after I got away from that situation and started to heal.  I felt like I had fallen into a deep dark hole.  I felt like I was made wrong.  I felt inadequate.  I felt broken in my soul.  I could say that it was all in God’s plan but I honestly do not think it was His Will for me to marry that man.  However, guess what?  God takes our mistakes and what little we give him and uses them for His purpose anyway!  I heard this in a sermon by Bishop T. D. Jakes.  In Mark 6:41 NLT  “Jesus took the five loaves and two fish, looked up toward heaven, and blessed them. Then, breaking the loaves into pieces, he kept giving the bread to the disciples so they could distribute it to the people. He also divided the fish for everyone to share.” Rev. Jakes revealed in that scripture that God broke it.  Then, God blessed what was less than enough.  Lastly, God multiplied what was broken.  Wow!! Take a minute to let the Reverend’s words sink in!  God broke it.  God blessed it.  God multiplied it.  Through all the pain and brokenness God took what little I gave him and blessed me and gave me a heart to share these experiences in hopes it might touch others.  He gave me  three beautiful children to teach them about God’s amazing love and he gave me a sweet loving husband that I can serve right along side and together to try and be an example of that amazing love is to our children.  Read that scripture and think on those words.  Try and think on even in those darkest times when it’s hard to see it that there is a blessing waiting.  When you feel like you are broken in your soul like I did, God will still bless what is not enough and make it more than enough.

Abuse is Abuse

I want to talk about verbal/emotional abuse.   I didn’t know what it was at first.  I thought that I was just becoming too sensitive and could not handle my self the way I should or maybe I wasn’t smart enough to say and do the right things as his wife.  I thought that I was going crazy because I would scream and cry when I was alone because if I did it in front of him or tried to defend myself his anger would become so much worse.  Let me state this clearly that he never ever hit me or laid a hand on me.  It was always implied however.  That was what tortured me the most was always this unspoken threat of what might would happen if he became even more angry and it terrified me. When he would get angry he would (what I call) rage at me for hours.  Going on and on about what I had done wrong, twisting and turning it making me wish I was smarter or could have known how to say or do whatever it was I had not done right.  I remember one night he was angry at something I don’t recall what it was.  He had been raging and angry for a couple hours and I was exhausted.  I was exhausted from defending myself and the long day and needed to go to work the next morning.  I turned the light off and told him lets just try to calm down and go to bed.  I got into bed and he flipped the light on in my face and said he was not finished.  He then said he would finish after he took a shower.  While he was in the shower I went and made a bed on the floor of the baby’s room thinking he would leave me alone and let me sleep if I was in there.  I drifted off and then I felt eyes on me and breathing.  When I opened my eyes he was inches from my face.  It scared me to death.  He coldly whispered that he was not finished with me and if I wouldn’t come back into our room he would drag me back in there.  I started whispering/begging to let me sleep and finish it the next day but he grabbed the corners of the blanket and proceeded to drag me.  He got about half way and I heard the baby stir.  I did not want the little one to wake up! So I got up, head hanging and followed him back into the room.  I don’t remember what happened after that.  I just remember the deep broken bruised spirit as I walked out of that room.  I didn’t know it was abuse becaue I didn’t have physical proof but I later realized it for what it truly was.  Victims of abuse have a very deep need to be validated! They want people to see that they are not this horrible person the abuser wants you to think you are and terrified that just that is the way the world will view them and even more terrified that the world will see the abuser as the victim! You have to realize, though, that abuse is abuse no matter what form.  It is about one controlling the other.  I posted the video of a clip from the end of the movie “Labyrinth”.  I actually love the movie but this is a very good example of what emotional and verbal abuse looks like.  If you watch the clip you notice that the king originally plays the victim makes her feel like she is ungrateful for all he’s done even though the things he’s done have actually been against her.  But next is the big part of the contradiction of abuse.  He says to let him rule her.  He says to do as he says and he will be her slave.  That can not happen it is the opposite.  You can not have both because one will always be in control and dominate the other.  Also and this is the really important part especially when comparing it to spousal abuse is how he says to fear him and love him! Please please think about this verse! 1 John 4:18 NIV “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.”  You can’t have fear of that person and recieve love! It is not what real love is.  Real love is what I talked about in previous post.  It is real caring and real respect.  God wants you to feel His love!  He does not want you to be treated this way.  If you have any questions or need advice please email me and I, with God’s help, will do my best!  info@blendermom.me